What have I gotten myself into?

what the hell am i doing

There are days when I wonder what the hell am I doing. While this can apply to many aspects of my life, the question most often comes up in training. I have days where I wonder where my cycling legs went. My running can be so slow I feel embarrassed to call it running. Panic attacks still happen during swims.

These are the days I feel bad for Tracy, Nate and Colleen as they get the brunt of my self-flagaration texts (and for enduring that and still being my friends there must be some cosmic reward coming for them).

I’m about a month away from my half Ironman and a little over halfway to my fundraising goal. And some days the training and the fundraising are such a trudge that I wonder if it makes a difference at all.

This week is a recovery week which means reduced hours and intensity on training, which in turn means Amy Mo goes nuttier than normal. But after a solid hour brick in which my legs did not feel completely alien when I got off the bike and started running (progress!) my head felt a bit refreshed and my spirit got a shot of confidence.

I thought about the women at Carolyn’s House and how easy and tempting it would be to fall back into old, familiar patterns, even if those habits produce the same crappy results which landed them at rock bottom in the first place.

We’re all constantly rebuilding our lives, even if we don’t always recognize it as such. And every time I don’t give up on myself, every time I ask, “what the hell am I dong?” and do it anyway, I get a little stronger. And maybe I can send a little bit of that strength to other women battling to rebuild their lives. That is what I’m doing. Or at least what I hope I’m doing.

Thanks for reading. Carry forth with your own awesome selves.


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